Post 14: The Most Portable Title Ever

**The writers of "Santa's In The Trunk" would like to apologize for the lack of posts. It turns out the concoction of mushrooms and Robitussin we consumed to write the last segment were a bit more potent than we'd expected. Needless to say we'll miss the fine people of Zambia, we're not sure how we ended up there but they sure were friendly. Also, please enjoy the new Sidebar of Awesomeness.**

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Was an innovator in the art of Slam Dancing

Something You May Have Missed:

If you don't wear a Bolo Tie for more than a week it turns into a small cow.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Took over the Standard-Oil Trust after the Sherman Anti-Trust Act "broke it up".

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and won't be giving his lecture, "Race Relations in Ancient Rome", at Northwestern this weekend.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

While I believe the term "Hamster Holocaust" is a bit strong, I guess it's accurate from a numbers standpoint.

Reason's I've Been Fired:

Best Buy: Didn't keep a close watch on the skull lined tunnel that is their "back room".

House of Blues: Came to work just a bit too chipper.

Gimbel's: Turns out Gimbel's has been closed since 1986. It might explain why I was the only one who tried out to be Santa Clause, also might explain why I was the only employee.

In Science News:

Researchers at Northwestern have officially deemed lighting your farts as "awesome".

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Festival Day, a celebration marking the day that authorities finally caught the dreaded "Willow Tree Humper". Traditional foods for Festival Day include gray mush and slightly grayer mush (both of which taste like salmon).

Movie Spoilers for Films I Haven't Seen:

Layer Cake:

Daniel Craig has a birthday party. I assume.

A Formal Apology:

I'd like to apologize to the creators of the show "Perfect Strangers". I will make sure my site removes all of the "erotic parodies" I made.

Post 13: The Most Beaver Infested Title Ever

**THE WRITERS OF "SANTA'S IN THE TRUNK" WOULD LIKE TO CONDEMN THE STAFF OF ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE. YOUR PUBLICATION CONTAINED NO MENTION OF FALLING ROCKS. THIS KIND OF FALSE ADVERTISING IS EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG WITH PRINTED MEDIA TODAY. SO PLEASE, TO ALL OUR FOLLOWERS, START A BOYCOTT OF ROLLING STONE AND REFER YOUR FRIENDS TO "SANTA'S IN THE TRUNK"**

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Known for eating his french fries with mayo instead of ketchup. Also, his french fries were made of fingers.

What's Happening in Estonia?

In an attempt to boost tourism, a vote is being held to change the name of the country to "Not Estonia".

Something You May Have Missed:

The man you've been calling "dad" hasn't had a left ear for the last three days.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not the Zodiac Killer.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy. I only raped him.

This Day in History:

Polaroid and Outkast plan world domination with the song "Hey Ya"

Things Gore Vidal Has Said to Me:

"Quit hogging the cocaine."

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

Some Cambodian kid keeps leaving letter bombs in front of my door. They always have your address though.

Movie Spoilers for Films I Haven't Seen:

Accepted:

No one is accepted by any form of society and a mass suicide takes place, I hope.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to Jenna Jameson and the families of the victims of the holocaust. That billboard I took out on Halstead will be taken down.

Post 12: The Most Wed-Locked Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Invented the Faux-hawk.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

The ADA never intended for Nagasaki to get bombed. But there was never talk of stopping it.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and won't be selling hand-woven hats at this week's farmer's market.

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Too much polygamy and not enough firefighting.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

You don't have the flu. Go lick your classmates.

Why I'm Going to Hell:

Dogfighting is, apparently, only supposed to done Dog vs. Dog, not Dog vs. Baby.

In Science News:

Tomorrow, the moon will perfectly line up with Jupiter and all of the orphan's will suddenly start a massive breeding frenzy.

Clash of the Species:

Man vs. Lightening Bug

Man invented catching lightening bugs in a jar. The gayest activity ever.

Lightening Bugs invented being the gayest insect ever.

Winner: Neither

A Formal Apology:

I'd like to apologize to the members of the Free and Accepted Masons. I didn't realize that I had to bring my own condoms to the orgy. Luckily, HIV treatment has come a long way in the past 20 years.

Post 11: The Most Flogged Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Most of his prose was written by his gardener and illegitimate son, Juan Poe.

In Science News:

Your body is 1/8 vulture meat.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and doesn't suffer from priapism.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Sitting too close to the television doesn't hurt your vision nearly as much as broccoli does.

Pitchfork's Favorite of The Week:

Giant bales of hay.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

There is such a thing as exposing yourself "too many times" while watching (500) Days of Summer.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Had more pull in writing the constitution than the Free Masons and rich white land owners combined.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize for my behavior during the announcement of the nominees for the MTV Video Music Awards. Slaughtering a goat every time Britney Spears or Beyonce was announced proved to be a messier activity than I had originally thought. I am also sorry for sacrificing the youngest Jonas, Frankie, after I ran out of goats.

Post 10: The Most Kafka-esque Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Wrote all of his work in Mandarin Chinese and then translated them into English for the publishers.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Professional Wrestling is real and you should put your little brother in an STF right now.

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

Who the fuck plays Jai-Alai these days?

What's Happening in Estonia:

Lots and lots of polygamy.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and is not President Obama's nominee for Supreme Court Justice. My apologies of Sonia Sotomayor

In Science News:

The Surgeon General has taken a new stance on cigarettes. "Smoke Up"

Why I'm Going To Hell:

I think anyone who was in the theater with me during "My Sister's Keeper" knows why I'm going to hell. I'd rather not discuss it.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Whole Foods: Suggested a cost cutting "Half-Foods" policy

Jewel Osco: Suggested same policy but in the hopes of bringing the chain a step up in quality

Seventeenth Church of Christ Scientists: Too Jewish

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the staff at the IHOP on N. Halstead in Chicago, IL. I just assumed that anytime after 10:30 was "Pants Optional".

Post 9: The Most Jew-Tastic Title Ever

**DISCLAIMER**
The writers of Santa's In The Trunk would like to remind you that YOU ARE NOT A REAL PERSON! Go check your birth certificate. It'll prove that you are, in fact, not a person, but an evil dragon that feeds on the dreams of Russian men.

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:
He's actually you...that's right...you; John C. Reily.

Don't Believe Your Parents:
Whenever an old person dies of "natural causes", it means that the Easter Bunny smothered them in their sleep. This is, after all, the natural order.

What's Happening in Estonia?:
Nothing. But there was a coup while you were in the bathroom.

Fallen Childhood Idols:
1985: The white slavery ring, discovered in the Land of Make Believe, found to go up the public television children's programming ladder. All the way to Sesame Street.

Corrections:
It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and was an actor, not a possum.

In Science News:
Saturn deemed too awesome to be "just a planet".

Why I'm Going To Hell:
Turns out, Me+Time Travel=Dead John Lennon

A Formal Apology:
I would like to apologize to the makers of the Tilt-A-Whirl. I understand that the snuff film I made recently has given it a bad name.

Post 8: The Most Ink Stained Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Didn't believe in pencil sharpeners. His morose nature came from his frustratingly smudgy writings.

A Quick Note For My Neighbors:

I get it, you own a slaughterhouse. Please, only slaughter cattle. I'm sick of hearing Thai immigrants screaming in the middle of the night. It's making it very hard to neglect my child.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

While I admit the crime, 10 seals is hardly a "Massacre". I believe there's some yellow journalism going on.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Blockbuster: Replaced all of the copies of Driving Miss Daisy with Birth of a Nation

Pottery Barn: Nudity wasn't really appreciated

Red Lobster: Apparently, they weren't into communism. I say false advertising.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not going to be throwing the opening pitch at tomorrow's little league game.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

If you swim less than 30 minutes after eating, you'll get raped by a merman.

DVD Commentaries That Completely Ruin The Movie:

Citizen Kane: It's nothing but the audio from the outtakes of that commercial where Orson Welles is drunk.

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Still Nothing.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Whitening strips steal your soul.

A Formal Apology:

I'd like to apologize to the people of Geneva, NY. I now understand it's pronounced "Geneva" and not "Pull on my cock you dirty whore".

Post 7: The Most Grammar Wrong Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

When ever he used the bathroom, he always had someone stand guard outside the door. This was to keep the Wood Nymphs from stealing his stool.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not going to be judging the Wet T-Shirt Contest at Schuba's.

Something You May Have Missed:

Hidden in the corner of your favorite book is a mathematical code where each number is added by 1.

This Day in History:

Members of the Khmer Rouge go in on a cake to celebrate going a whole day without killing any political prisoners.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

You're not special and you never will be.

Why I'm Going to Hell:

I wouldn't get too excited to see your parrot when you get home.

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Nothing

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Gingivitis is actually Mouth AIDS.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the employees at Heid's in Liverpool, NY. I guess you really can fill baby with too much dynamite.

Post 6: The Most Delicious Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

He is solely responsible for the extinction of the Do-Do. That's what happens when you don't get the fuck off of Edgar's lawn.

DVD Commentaries That Completely Ruin The Movie:

The Pianist: The movie takes on an extremely soiled tone once you've heard of the horrid, depraved and illegal things that occurred when the cast and crew got together to play Monopoly.

Secrets Of The American Dental Association:

The ADA had U2 perform on top of a rooftop for their video for "Where The Streets Have No Name" to cause enough of a distraction that they could go to the Tooth Fairy's home, across town, and smother her in her sleep.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Turn's out, if you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime and the mom and pop sandwich shop down the road closes and the owner hangs himself. Also, apparently, it isn't ok to violate the shop owner's corpse. That was a double whammy on my part.

Advice to The Class of 2009:

Become cops, because, as soon as you get shot and killed in action, you become a hero. And let's not forget how awesome a movie "Hero" was. In summation, Jet Li rules.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Your music isn't terrible. It's just that they don't understand it and since they don't understand it you should KILL THEM AS SATAN COMMANDS YOU. 

A Job Opportunity:

Task: Steal the Ark of the Covenant

Salary: A live bear.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize for my behavior at "Bring Your Child To Work Day" at the Red Lobster in DeWitt, NY. Granted, I understand that apologizing won't bring back anyone's father or remove the image of the bodies floating in the lobster tank. I could only think about how I would've felt if my father had been working there and if I had seen him fighting off that many angry baboons. When I think of this though, I think of how proud I'd have felt to see my father standing over the bodies of those baboons, right before he was cut down by a coke-addled man in a Robin costume.

Post 5: The Most Unsettling Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

While living in Philadelphia, he used to hang around the train station and sell drawings he'd done of his penis.

Clash of the Species:

Seals vs. Man

Seals invented being adorable and balancing beach balls on their noses.

Man invented Clubbing Seals.

Winner: Man

Don't Believe Your Parents:

The tooth fairy is just code for the secretary that your dad is plowing.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Apparently, there's a difference between flushing your fish and smothering your neighbor's kids.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not going to be in tomorrow's pie eating contest.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to anyone who was in attendance at last weeks Cubs game. I did not realize that prostitute was dead.

Post 4: The Most Badass Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

No one knows exactly where the original ending to "The Raven" is. The only thing known about the alternate ending is that it was a major influence on ukulele legend Tiny Tim.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Apparently, girls love the movie "The Notebook" and not just any notebook. Especially when your notebook is filled with unsent ransom notes and the photos of the people who probably miss their families a lot...the alive ones that is.

A Job Opportunity:

I'm currently hiring at the Captain Hooks Fish n Chips that I own. Applicants must be willing to serve food cooked in Trans Fats and perform Vasectomies on any customers that I don't feel are "fit to breed".

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and will not be appearing the next John Huston film. Also, apparently, John Huston is dead too.

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

I understand that Meth Labs don't keep "usual business hours" but the gunfire at 3am is really making it hard for me to watch fucked up Japanese Porn.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Pier 1 Imports: Just didn't love wicker enough.

Holiday Inn: Wrote "Brooks Was Here" in all of the headboards. They didn't get the reference.

Leroy James' House of Fried Chicken: Not black enough

Don't Believe Your Parents:

If you step on a crack you'll actually cause the conflict in Darfur to continue for another 3 years.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the makers of "The Green Mile". When describing it to the crowd at the latest "Berm-Con" I was actually just saying the word "cunt" for five straight minutes. You know how it is when you mix Horse Tranquilizers and Jager.

Post 3: The Most Unflattering Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

DNA evidence released in 2004 revealed that he was innocent of starting a fire. It turned out that the fire had been burning since the world's been turning. The DNA evidence did however prove that he disemboweled and defecated on several prostitutes in what is now Belarus.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

The Driscoll Family are going to be ok with the things that I did to their cat, scrambles. In my defense, it was all in the name of finding a cure for cats.

Clash of the Species:

Lions vs. Man

Lions have been known to end up in Shakespearian tales of Fratricide and Usurping of the Throne.

Man invented guns.

Winner: Man

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not racing in this weeks Pinewood Derby.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Masturbating doesn't make you go blind. It feels good, relieves stress and gives your next door neighbor, Mr. Cranford, something to watch after Leno.

Featured Real Estate:

9271 Hawthorne Ave.

A beautiful Tudor style in the suburbs. Three bedroom, 2 bathroom, 1 room that you'll catch your daughter with that damn Gleason kid from down the street in. You know, the one with the Toyota and the goatee.

Advice from Your Math Teacher:

Dear Math Teacher,

I'm having trouble getting my parents to understand that I want to be a professional kick boxer. What should I do?

-Kicking and Screaming in Seattle

Dear Kicking and Screaming,

Well, the equation I've come up with to solve your little problem is:

T=Acceptance/x=Your Abilities to Convince People of Things

3+T-5x= You're a Fag

(Did I mention that your math teacher is a douche bag?)

Dear Math Teacher,

I just got laid off from my job. What can I do to support my family?

-Jobless in Des Plaines

Dear Jobless,

Here's your equation for success:

x=Elbow Grease/L=Equal Parts Blood Sweat and Tears

4x+9L=Kill all of the Jews

(Did I also mention that you were taught math by Adolf Hitler and that, by being in his math class and not killing him and stopping the holocaust, you are just as responsible and going to hell?)

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to all Chicagoland Mini Cooper dealerships for replacing their ad time on Hulu with clips from the newly released Bernie Madoff sex tape.

Post 2: The Most Unoriginal Title Ever...Also

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

His first short story was not, "MS. Found In A Bottle" but was in fact a lost manuscript that was turned into the pilot episode of The Facts of Life.

Clash of The Species:

Man vs. Polar Bear:

Man invented Democracy.

Polar Bears invented Getting Mauled By a Polar Bear.

Winner: Polar Bears

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Apparently, buying minors alcohol is harmless but then selling them into white slavery is not as harmless.

 

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not the voice of the Cottonelle Puppy.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Santa brings toys down the chimney. He's not the star of Hunt For Red October.

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

I don't care that you beat your girlfriend, but her screams for mercy are really making it hard for me to watch The Office and 30 Rock. So, if you can just hold off for an hour, you can beat her twice as hard during Southland.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the staff at the Schaumburg IL Outback Steakhouse. Not even I can justify the number of ethnic slurs I used in describing the plot of Glenngary Glenross.

Post 1: The most unoriginal title ever

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Apparently a bear does shit in the woods and not in a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. Well, he does shit in a PICU but he also eats a few children in the process.

True Facts about Edgar Allen Poe:

While his stories and poems were dark and brooding, Poe was light hearted and upbeat when discussing his collection of Native American Scalps.

Featured Eagle:

The Ibsen Eagle (Haliaeetus Ibsenus) is found mostly in areas around Upstate New York. It mainly eats small lizards and the dreams of five year olds. Also enjoys the music of Rush.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Jesus would've set your neighbors Labra-Doodle on fire too.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the cleaning staff at the Hyatt Regency in Rosemont, IL. I understand now that it must have been very hard to deal with the mess I left in the bathroom. I don't know what you did with the body of that Sudanese Refugee but I am going to need that back by the end of the week or else I won't be able to get my deposit back on it.

A Job Opportunity:

Thanks to a mix of Painkillers and Captain Morgan 100 Proof. I now possess a used car dealership in South Bend, IN. I'm looking for managers, salesmen, receptionists and someone to fake an electrical fire.