Post 6: The Most Delicious Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

He is solely responsible for the extinction of the Do-Do. That's what happens when you don't get the fuck off of Edgar's lawn.

DVD Commentaries That Completely Ruin The Movie:

The Pianist: The movie takes on an extremely soiled tone once you've heard of the horrid, depraved and illegal things that occurred when the cast and crew got together to play Monopoly.

Secrets Of The American Dental Association:

The ADA had U2 perform on top of a rooftop for their video for "Where The Streets Have No Name" to cause enough of a distraction that they could go to the Tooth Fairy's home, across town, and smother her in her sleep.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Turn's out, if you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime and the mom and pop sandwich shop down the road closes and the owner hangs himself. Also, apparently, it isn't ok to violate the shop owner's corpse. That was a double whammy on my part.

Advice to The Class of 2009:

Become cops, because, as soon as you get shot and killed in action, you become a hero. And let's not forget how awesome a movie "Hero" was. In summation, Jet Li rules.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Your music isn't terrible. It's just that they don't understand it and since they don't understand it you should KILL THEM AS SATAN COMMANDS YOU. 

A Job Opportunity:

Task: Steal the Ark of the Covenant

Salary: A live bear.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize for my behavior at "Bring Your Child To Work Day" at the Red Lobster in DeWitt, NY. Granted, I understand that apologizing won't bring back anyone's father or remove the image of the bodies floating in the lobster tank. I could only think about how I would've felt if my father had been working there and if I had seen him fighting off that many angry baboons. When I think of this though, I think of how proud I'd have felt to see my father standing over the bodies of those baboons, right before he was cut down by a coke-addled man in a Robin costume.

Post 5: The Most Unsettling Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

While living in Philadelphia, he used to hang around the train station and sell drawings he'd done of his penis.

Clash of the Species:

Seals vs. Man

Seals invented being adorable and balancing beach balls on their noses.

Man invented Clubbing Seals.

Winner: Man

Don't Believe Your Parents:

The tooth fairy is just code for the secretary that your dad is plowing.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Apparently, there's a difference between flushing your fish and smothering your neighbor's kids.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not going to be in tomorrow's pie eating contest.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to anyone who was in attendance at last weeks Cubs game. I did not realize that prostitute was dead.

Post 4: The Most Badass Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

No one knows exactly where the original ending to "The Raven" is. The only thing known about the alternate ending is that it was a major influence on ukulele legend Tiny Tim.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Apparently, girls love the movie "The Notebook" and not just any notebook. Especially when your notebook is filled with unsent ransom notes and the photos of the people who probably miss their families a lot...the alive ones that is.

A Job Opportunity:

I'm currently hiring at the Captain Hooks Fish n Chips that I own. Applicants must be willing to serve food cooked in Trans Fats and perform Vasectomies on any customers that I don't feel are "fit to breed".

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and will not be appearing the next John Huston film. Also, apparently, John Huston is dead too.

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

I understand that Meth Labs don't keep "usual business hours" but the gunfire at 3am is really making it hard for me to watch fucked up Japanese Porn.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Pier 1 Imports: Just didn't love wicker enough.

Holiday Inn: Wrote "Brooks Was Here" in all of the headboards. They didn't get the reference.

Leroy James' House of Fried Chicken: Not black enough

Don't Believe Your Parents:

If you step on a crack you'll actually cause the conflict in Darfur to continue for another 3 years.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the makers of "The Green Mile". When describing it to the crowd at the latest "Berm-Con" I was actually just saying the word "cunt" for five straight minutes. You know how it is when you mix Horse Tranquilizers and Jager.

Post 3: The Most Unflattering Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

DNA evidence released in 2004 revealed that he was innocent of starting a fire. It turned out that the fire had been burning since the world's been turning. The DNA evidence did however prove that he disemboweled and defecated on several prostitutes in what is now Belarus.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

The Driscoll Family are going to be ok with the things that I did to their cat, scrambles. In my defense, it was all in the name of finding a cure for cats.

Clash of the Species:

Lions vs. Man

Lions have been known to end up in Shakespearian tales of Fratricide and Usurping of the Throne.

Man invented guns.

Winner: Man

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not racing in this weeks Pinewood Derby.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Masturbating doesn't make you go blind. It feels good, relieves stress and gives your next door neighbor, Mr. Cranford, something to watch after Leno.

Featured Real Estate:

9271 Hawthorne Ave.

A beautiful Tudor style in the suburbs. Three bedroom, 2 bathroom, 1 room that you'll catch your daughter with that damn Gleason kid from down the street in. You know, the one with the Toyota and the goatee.

Advice from Your Math Teacher:

Dear Math Teacher,

I'm having trouble getting my parents to understand that I want to be a professional kick boxer. What should I do?

-Kicking and Screaming in Seattle

Dear Kicking and Screaming,

Well, the equation I've come up with to solve your little problem is:

T=Acceptance/x=Your Abilities to Convince People of Things

3+T-5x= You're a Fag

(Did I mention that your math teacher is a douche bag?)

Dear Math Teacher,

I just got laid off from my job. What can I do to support my family?

-Jobless in Des Plaines

Dear Jobless,

Here's your equation for success:

x=Elbow Grease/L=Equal Parts Blood Sweat and Tears

4x+9L=Kill all of the Jews

(Did I also mention that you were taught math by Adolf Hitler and that, by being in his math class and not killing him and stopping the holocaust, you are just as responsible and going to hell?)

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to all Chicagoland Mini Cooper dealerships for replacing their ad time on Hulu with clips from the newly released Bernie Madoff sex tape.

Post 2: The Most Unoriginal Title Ever...Also

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

His first short story was not, "MS. Found In A Bottle" but was in fact a lost manuscript that was turned into the pilot episode of The Facts of Life.

Clash of The Species:

Man vs. Polar Bear:

Man invented Democracy.

Polar Bears invented Getting Mauled By a Polar Bear.

Winner: Polar Bears

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Apparently, buying minors alcohol is harmless but then selling them into white slavery is not as harmless.

 

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not the voice of the Cottonelle Puppy.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Santa brings toys down the chimney. He's not the star of Hunt For Red October.

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

I don't care that you beat your girlfriend, but her screams for mercy are really making it hard for me to watch The Office and 30 Rock. So, if you can just hold off for an hour, you can beat her twice as hard during Southland.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the staff at the Schaumburg IL Outback Steakhouse. Not even I can justify the number of ethnic slurs I used in describing the plot of Glenngary Glenross.