Post 4: The Most Badass Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

No one knows exactly where the original ending to "The Raven" is. The only thing known about the alternate ending is that it was a major influence on ukulele legend Tiny Tim.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Apparently, girls love the movie "The Notebook" and not just any notebook. Especially when your notebook is filled with unsent ransom notes and the photos of the people who probably miss their families a lot...the alive ones that is.

A Job Opportunity:

I'm currently hiring at the Captain Hooks Fish n Chips that I own. Applicants must be willing to serve food cooked in Trans Fats and perform Vasectomies on any customers that I don't feel are "fit to breed".

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and will not be appearing the next John Huston film. Also, apparently, John Huston is dead too.

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

I understand that Meth Labs don't keep "usual business hours" but the gunfire at 3am is really making it hard for me to watch fucked up Japanese Porn.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Pier 1 Imports: Just didn't love wicker enough.

Holiday Inn: Wrote "Brooks Was Here" in all of the headboards. They didn't get the reference.

Leroy James' House of Fried Chicken: Not black enough

Don't Believe Your Parents:

If you step on a crack you'll actually cause the conflict in Darfur to continue for another 3 years.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the makers of "The Green Mile". When describing it to the crowd at the latest "Berm-Con" I was actually just saying the word "cunt" for five straight minutes. You know how it is when you mix Horse Tranquilizers and Jager.

Post 1: The most unoriginal title ever

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Apparently a bear does shit in the woods and not in a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. Well, he does shit in a PICU but he also eats a few children in the process.

True Facts about Edgar Allen Poe:

While his stories and poems were dark and brooding, Poe was light hearted and upbeat when discussing his collection of Native American Scalps.

Featured Eagle:

The Ibsen Eagle (Haliaeetus Ibsenus) is found mostly in areas around Upstate New York. It mainly eats small lizards and the dreams of five year olds. Also enjoys the music of Rush.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Jesus would've set your neighbors Labra-Doodle on fire too.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the cleaning staff at the Hyatt Regency in Rosemont, IL. I understand now that it must have been very hard to deal with the mess I left in the bathroom. I don't know what you did with the body of that Sudanese Refugee but I am going to need that back by the end of the week or else I won't be able to get my deposit back on it.

A Job Opportunity:

Thanks to a mix of Painkillers and Captain Morgan 100 Proof. I now possess a used car dealership in South Bend, IN. I'm looking for managers, salesmen, receptionists and someone to fake an electrical fire.