Post 1: The most unoriginal title ever

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Apparently a bear does shit in the woods and not in a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. Well, he does shit in a PICU but he also eats a few children in the process.

True Facts about Edgar Allen Poe:

While his stories and poems were dark and brooding, Poe was light hearted and upbeat when discussing his collection of Native American Scalps.

Featured Eagle:

The Ibsen Eagle (Haliaeetus Ibsenus) is found mostly in areas around Upstate New York. It mainly eats small lizards and the dreams of five year olds. Also enjoys the music of Rush.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Jesus would've set your neighbors Labra-Doodle on fire too.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the cleaning staff at the Hyatt Regency in Rosemont, IL. I understand now that it must have been very hard to deal with the mess I left in the bathroom. I don't know what you did with the body of that Sudanese Refugee but I am going to need that back by the end of the week or else I won't be able to get my deposit back on it.

A Job Opportunity:

Thanks to a mix of Painkillers and Captain Morgan 100 Proof. I now possess a used car dealership in South Bend, IN. I'm looking for managers, salesmen, receptionists and someone to fake an electrical fire.