Didn't believe in pencil sharpeners. His morose nature came from his frustratingly smudgy writings.
A Quick Note For My Neighbors:
I get it, you own a slaughterhouse. Please, only slaughter cattle. I'm sick of hearing Thai immigrants screaming in the middle of the night. It's making it very hard to neglect my child.
Why I'm Going To Hell:
While I admit the crime, 10 seals is hardly a "Massacre". I believe there's some yellow journalism going on.
Reasons I've Been Fired:
Blockbuster: Replaced all of the copies of Driving Miss Daisy with Birth of a Nation
Pottery Barn: Nudity wasn't really appreciated
Red Lobster: Apparently, they weren't into communism. I say false advertising.
Corrections:
It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not going to be throwing the opening pitch at tomorrow's little league game.
Don't Believe Your Parents:
If you swim less than 30 minutes after eating, you'll get raped by a merman.
DVD Commentaries That Completely Ruin The Movie:
Citizen Kane: It's nothing but the audio from the outtakes of that commercial where Orson Welles is drunk.
What's Happening in Estonia?:
Still Nothing.
Secrets of the American Dental Association:
Whitening strips steal your soul.
A Formal Apology:
I'd like to apologize to the people of Geneva, NY. I now understand it's pronounced "Geneva" and not "Pull on my cock you dirty whore".
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