Post 6: The Most Delicious Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

He is solely responsible for the extinction of the Do-Do. That's what happens when you don't get the fuck off of Edgar's lawn.

DVD Commentaries That Completely Ruin The Movie:

The Pianist: The movie takes on an extremely soiled tone once you've heard of the horrid, depraved and illegal things that occurred when the cast and crew got together to play Monopoly.

Secrets Of The American Dental Association:

The ADA had U2 perform on top of a rooftop for their video for "Where The Streets Have No Name" to cause enough of a distraction that they could go to the Tooth Fairy's home, across town, and smother her in her sleep.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Turn's out, if you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime and the mom and pop sandwich shop down the road closes and the owner hangs himself. Also, apparently, it isn't ok to violate the shop owner's corpse. That was a double whammy on my part.

Advice to The Class of 2009:

Become cops, because, as soon as you get shot and killed in action, you become a hero. And let's not forget how awesome a movie "Hero" was. In summation, Jet Li rules.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Your music isn't terrible. It's just that they don't understand it and since they don't understand it you should KILL THEM AS SATAN COMMANDS YOU. 

A Job Opportunity:

Task: Steal the Ark of the Covenant

Salary: A live bear.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize for my behavior at "Bring Your Child To Work Day" at the Red Lobster in DeWitt, NY. Granted, I understand that apologizing won't bring back anyone's father or remove the image of the bodies floating in the lobster tank. I could only think about how I would've felt if my father had been working there and if I had seen him fighting off that many angry baboons. When I think of this though, I think of how proud I'd have felt to see my father standing over the bodies of those baboons, right before he was cut down by a coke-addled man in a Robin costume.