Post 12: The Most Wed-Locked Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Invented the Faux-hawk.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

The ADA never intended for Nagasaki to get bombed. But there was never talk of stopping it.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and won't be selling hand-woven hats at this week's farmer's market.

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Too much polygamy and not enough firefighting.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

You don't have the flu. Go lick your classmates.

Why I'm Going to Hell:

Dogfighting is, apparently, only supposed to done Dog vs. Dog, not Dog vs. Baby.

In Science News:

Tomorrow, the moon will perfectly line up with Jupiter and all of the orphan's will suddenly start a massive breeding frenzy.

Clash of the Species:

Man vs. Lightening Bug

Man invented catching lightening bugs in a jar. The gayest activity ever.

Lightening Bugs invented being the gayest insect ever.

Winner: Neither

A Formal Apology:

I'd like to apologize to the members of the Free and Accepted Masons. I didn't realize that I had to bring my own condoms to the orgy. Luckily, HIV treatment has come a long way in the past 20 years.

Post 11: The Most Flogged Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Most of his prose was written by his gardener and illegitimate son, Juan Poe.

In Science News:

Your body is 1/8 vulture meat.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and doesn't suffer from priapism.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Sitting too close to the television doesn't hurt your vision nearly as much as broccoli does.

Pitchfork's Favorite of The Week:

Giant bales of hay.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

There is such a thing as exposing yourself "too many times" while watching (500) Days of Summer.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Had more pull in writing the constitution than the Free Masons and rich white land owners combined.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize for my behavior during the announcement of the nominees for the MTV Video Music Awards. Slaughtering a goat every time Britney Spears or Beyonce was announced proved to be a messier activity than I had originally thought. I am also sorry for sacrificing the youngest Jonas, Frankie, after I ran out of goats.

Post 10: The Most Kafka-esque Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Wrote all of his work in Mandarin Chinese and then translated them into English for the publishers.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Professional Wrestling is real and you should put your little brother in an STF right now.

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

Who the fuck plays Jai-Alai these days?

What's Happening in Estonia:

Lots and lots of polygamy.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and is not President Obama's nominee for Supreme Court Justice. My apologies of Sonia Sotomayor

In Science News:

The Surgeon General has taken a new stance on cigarettes. "Smoke Up"

Why I'm Going To Hell:

I think anyone who was in the theater with me during "My Sister's Keeper" knows why I'm going to hell. I'd rather not discuss it.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Whole Foods: Suggested a cost cutting "Half-Foods" policy

Jewel Osco: Suggested same policy but in the hopes of bringing the chain a step up in quality

Seventeenth Church of Christ Scientists: Too Jewish

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the staff at the IHOP on N. Halstead in Chicago, IL. I just assumed that anytime after 10:30 was "Pants Optional".

Post 9: The Most Jew-Tastic Title Ever

**DISCLAIMER**
The writers of Santa's In The Trunk would like to remind you that YOU ARE NOT A REAL PERSON! Go check your birth certificate. It'll prove that you are, in fact, not a person, but an evil dragon that feeds on the dreams of Russian men.

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:
He's actually you...that's right...you; John C. Reily.

Don't Believe Your Parents:
Whenever an old person dies of "natural causes", it means that the Easter Bunny smothered them in their sleep. This is, after all, the natural order.

What's Happening in Estonia?:
Nothing. But there was a coup while you were in the bathroom.

Fallen Childhood Idols:
1985: The white slavery ring, discovered in the Land of Make Believe, found to go up the public television children's programming ladder. All the way to Sesame Street.

Corrections:
It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and was an actor, not a possum.

In Science News:
Saturn deemed too awesome to be "just a planet".

Why I'm Going To Hell:
Turns out, Me+Time Travel=Dead John Lennon

A Formal Apology:
I would like to apologize to the makers of the Tilt-A-Whirl. I understand that the snuff film I made recently has given it a bad name.

Post 8: The Most Ink Stained Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Didn't believe in pencil sharpeners. His morose nature came from his frustratingly smudgy writings.

A Quick Note For My Neighbors:

I get it, you own a slaughterhouse. Please, only slaughter cattle. I'm sick of hearing Thai immigrants screaming in the middle of the night. It's making it very hard to neglect my child.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

While I admit the crime, 10 seals is hardly a "Massacre". I believe there's some yellow journalism going on.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Blockbuster: Replaced all of the copies of Driving Miss Daisy with Birth of a Nation

Pottery Barn: Nudity wasn't really appreciated

Red Lobster: Apparently, they weren't into communism. I say false advertising.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not going to be throwing the opening pitch at tomorrow's little league game.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

If you swim less than 30 minutes after eating, you'll get raped by a merman.

DVD Commentaries That Completely Ruin The Movie:

Citizen Kane: It's nothing but the audio from the outtakes of that commercial where Orson Welles is drunk.

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Still Nothing.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Whitening strips steal your soul.

A Formal Apology:

I'd like to apologize to the people of Geneva, NY. I now understand it's pronounced "Geneva" and not "Pull on my cock you dirty whore".

Post 7: The Most Grammar Wrong Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

When ever he used the bathroom, he always had someone stand guard outside the door. This was to keep the Wood Nymphs from stealing his stool.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not going to be judging the Wet T-Shirt Contest at Schuba's.

Something You May Have Missed:

Hidden in the corner of your favorite book is a mathematical code where each number is added by 1.

This Day in History:

Members of the Khmer Rouge go in on a cake to celebrate going a whole day without killing any political prisoners.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

You're not special and you never will be.

Why I'm Going to Hell:

I wouldn't get too excited to see your parrot when you get home.

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Nothing

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Gingivitis is actually Mouth AIDS.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the employees at Heid's in Liverpool, NY. I guess you really can fill baby with too much dynamite.

Post 6: The Most Delicious Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

He is solely responsible for the extinction of the Do-Do. That's what happens when you don't get the fuck off of Edgar's lawn.

DVD Commentaries That Completely Ruin The Movie:

The Pianist: The movie takes on an extremely soiled tone once you've heard of the horrid, depraved and illegal things that occurred when the cast and crew got together to play Monopoly.

Secrets Of The American Dental Association:

The ADA had U2 perform on top of a rooftop for their video for "Where The Streets Have No Name" to cause enough of a distraction that they could go to the Tooth Fairy's home, across town, and smother her in her sleep.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Turn's out, if you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime and the mom and pop sandwich shop down the road closes and the owner hangs himself. Also, apparently, it isn't ok to violate the shop owner's corpse. That was a double whammy on my part.

Advice to The Class of 2009:

Become cops, because, as soon as you get shot and killed in action, you become a hero. And let's not forget how awesome a movie "Hero" was. In summation, Jet Li rules.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Your music isn't terrible. It's just that they don't understand it and since they don't understand it you should KILL THEM AS SATAN COMMANDS YOU. 

A Job Opportunity:

Task: Steal the Ark of the Covenant

Salary: A live bear.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize for my behavior at "Bring Your Child To Work Day" at the Red Lobster in DeWitt, NY. Granted, I understand that apologizing won't bring back anyone's father or remove the image of the bodies floating in the lobster tank. I could only think about how I would've felt if my father had been working there and if I had seen him fighting off that many angry baboons. When I think of this though, I think of how proud I'd have felt to see my father standing over the bodies of those baboons, right before he was cut down by a coke-addled man in a Robin costume.