Post 14: The Most Portable Title Ever

**The writers of "Santa's In The Trunk" would like to apologize for the lack of posts. It turns out the concoction of mushrooms and Robitussin we consumed to write the last segment were a bit more potent than we'd expected. Needless to say we'll miss the fine people of Zambia, we're not sure how we ended up there but they sure were friendly. Also, please enjoy the new Sidebar of Awesomeness.**

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Was an innovator in the art of Slam Dancing

Something You May Have Missed:

If you don't wear a Bolo Tie for more than a week it turns into a small cow.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Took over the Standard-Oil Trust after the Sherman Anti-Trust Act "broke it up".

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and won't be giving his lecture, "Race Relations in Ancient Rome", at Northwestern this weekend.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

While I believe the term "Hamster Holocaust" is a bit strong, I guess it's accurate from a numbers standpoint.

Reason's I've Been Fired:

Best Buy: Didn't keep a close watch on the skull lined tunnel that is their "back room".

House of Blues: Came to work just a bit too chipper.

Gimbel's: Turns out Gimbel's has been closed since 1986. It might explain why I was the only one who tried out to be Santa Clause, also might explain why I was the only employee.

In Science News:

Researchers at Northwestern have officially deemed lighting your farts as "awesome".

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Festival Day, a celebration marking the day that authorities finally caught the dreaded "Willow Tree Humper". Traditional foods for Festival Day include gray mush and slightly grayer mush (both of which taste like salmon).

Movie Spoilers for Films I Haven't Seen:

Layer Cake:

Daniel Craig has a birthday party. I assume.

A Formal Apology:

I'd like to apologize to the creators of the show "Perfect Strangers". I will make sure my site removes all of the "erotic parodies" I made.

Post 13: The Most Beaver Infested Title Ever

**THE WRITERS OF "SANTA'S IN THE TRUNK" WOULD LIKE TO CONDEMN THE STAFF OF ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE. YOUR PUBLICATION CONTAINED NO MENTION OF FALLING ROCKS. THIS KIND OF FALSE ADVERTISING IS EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG WITH PRINTED MEDIA TODAY. SO PLEASE, TO ALL OUR FOLLOWERS, START A BOYCOTT OF ROLLING STONE AND REFER YOUR FRIENDS TO "SANTA'S IN THE TRUNK"**

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Known for eating his french fries with mayo instead of ketchup. Also, his french fries were made of fingers.

What's Happening in Estonia?

In an attempt to boost tourism, a vote is being held to change the name of the country to "Not Estonia".

Something You May Have Missed:

The man you've been calling "dad" hasn't had a left ear for the last three days.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not the Zodiac Killer.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy. I only raped him.

This Day in History:

Polaroid and Outkast plan world domination with the song "Hey Ya"

Things Gore Vidal Has Said to Me:

"Quit hogging the cocaine."

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

Some Cambodian kid keeps leaving letter bombs in front of my door. They always have your address though.

Movie Spoilers for Films I Haven't Seen:

Accepted:

No one is accepted by any form of society and a mass suicide takes place, I hope.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to Jenna Jameson and the families of the victims of the holocaust. That billboard I took out on Halstead will be taken down.

Post 12: The Most Wed-Locked Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Invented the Faux-hawk.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

The ADA never intended for Nagasaki to get bombed. But there was never talk of stopping it.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and won't be selling hand-woven hats at this week's farmer's market.

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Too much polygamy and not enough firefighting.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

You don't have the flu. Go lick your classmates.

Why I'm Going to Hell:

Dogfighting is, apparently, only supposed to done Dog vs. Dog, not Dog vs. Baby.

In Science News:

Tomorrow, the moon will perfectly line up with Jupiter and all of the orphan's will suddenly start a massive breeding frenzy.

Clash of the Species:

Man vs. Lightening Bug

Man invented catching lightening bugs in a jar. The gayest activity ever.

Lightening Bugs invented being the gayest insect ever.

Winner: Neither

A Formal Apology:

I'd like to apologize to the members of the Free and Accepted Masons. I didn't realize that I had to bring my own condoms to the orgy. Luckily, HIV treatment has come a long way in the past 20 years.

Post 11: The Most Flogged Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Most of his prose was written by his gardener and illegitimate son, Juan Poe.

In Science News:

Your body is 1/8 vulture meat.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and doesn't suffer from priapism.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Sitting too close to the television doesn't hurt your vision nearly as much as broccoli does.

Pitchfork's Favorite of The Week:

Giant bales of hay.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

There is such a thing as exposing yourself "too many times" while watching (500) Days of Summer.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Had more pull in writing the constitution than the Free Masons and rich white land owners combined.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize for my behavior during the announcement of the nominees for the MTV Video Music Awards. Slaughtering a goat every time Britney Spears or Beyonce was announced proved to be a messier activity than I had originally thought. I am also sorry for sacrificing the youngest Jonas, Frankie, after I ran out of goats.

Post 10: The Most Kafka-esque Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Wrote all of his work in Mandarin Chinese and then translated them into English for the publishers.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Professional Wrestling is real and you should put your little brother in an STF right now.

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

Who the fuck plays Jai-Alai these days?

What's Happening in Estonia:

Lots and lots of polygamy.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and is not President Obama's nominee for Supreme Court Justice. My apologies of Sonia Sotomayor

In Science News:

The Surgeon General has taken a new stance on cigarettes. "Smoke Up"

Why I'm Going To Hell:

I think anyone who was in the theater with me during "My Sister's Keeper" knows why I'm going to hell. I'd rather not discuss it.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Whole Foods: Suggested a cost cutting "Half-Foods" policy

Jewel Osco: Suggested same policy but in the hopes of bringing the chain a step up in quality

Seventeenth Church of Christ Scientists: Too Jewish

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the staff at the IHOP on N. Halstead in Chicago, IL. I just assumed that anytime after 10:30 was "Pants Optional".

Post 9: The Most Jew-Tastic Title Ever

**DISCLAIMER**
The writers of Santa's In The Trunk would like to remind you that YOU ARE NOT A REAL PERSON! Go check your birth certificate. It'll prove that you are, in fact, not a person, but an evil dragon that feeds on the dreams of Russian men.

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:
He's actually you...that's right...you; John C. Reily.

Don't Believe Your Parents:
Whenever an old person dies of "natural causes", it means that the Easter Bunny smothered them in their sleep. This is, after all, the natural order.

What's Happening in Estonia?:
Nothing. But there was a coup while you were in the bathroom.

Fallen Childhood Idols:
1985: The white slavery ring, discovered in the Land of Make Believe, found to go up the public television children's programming ladder. All the way to Sesame Street.

Corrections:
It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and was an actor, not a possum.

In Science News:
Saturn deemed too awesome to be "just a planet".

Why I'm Going To Hell:
Turns out, Me+Time Travel=Dead John Lennon

A Formal Apology:
I would like to apologize to the makers of the Tilt-A-Whirl. I understand that the snuff film I made recently has given it a bad name.

Post 8: The Most Ink Stained Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Didn't believe in pencil sharpeners. His morose nature came from his frustratingly smudgy writings.

A Quick Note For My Neighbors:

I get it, you own a slaughterhouse. Please, only slaughter cattle. I'm sick of hearing Thai immigrants screaming in the middle of the night. It's making it very hard to neglect my child.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

While I admit the crime, 10 seals is hardly a "Massacre". I believe there's some yellow journalism going on.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Blockbuster: Replaced all of the copies of Driving Miss Daisy with Birth of a Nation

Pottery Barn: Nudity wasn't really appreciated

Red Lobster: Apparently, they weren't into communism. I say false advertising.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not going to be throwing the opening pitch at tomorrow's little league game.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

If you swim less than 30 minutes after eating, you'll get raped by a merman.

DVD Commentaries That Completely Ruin The Movie:

Citizen Kane: It's nothing but the audio from the outtakes of that commercial where Orson Welles is drunk.

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Still Nothing.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Whitening strips steal your soul.

A Formal Apology:

I'd like to apologize to the people of Geneva, NY. I now understand it's pronounced "Geneva" and not "Pull on my cock you dirty whore".