Post 8: The Most Ink Stained Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Didn't believe in pencil sharpeners. His morose nature came from his frustratingly smudgy writings.

A Quick Note For My Neighbors:

I get it, you own a slaughterhouse. Please, only slaughter cattle. I'm sick of hearing Thai immigrants screaming in the middle of the night. It's making it very hard to neglect my child.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

While I admit the crime, 10 seals is hardly a "Massacre". I believe there's some yellow journalism going on.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Blockbuster: Replaced all of the copies of Driving Miss Daisy with Birth of a Nation

Pottery Barn: Nudity wasn't really appreciated

Red Lobster: Apparently, they weren't into communism. I say false advertising.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not going to be throwing the opening pitch at tomorrow's little league game.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

If you swim less than 30 minutes after eating, you'll get raped by a merman.

DVD Commentaries That Completely Ruin The Movie:

Citizen Kane: It's nothing but the audio from the outtakes of that commercial where Orson Welles is drunk.

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Still Nothing.

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Whitening strips steal your soul.

A Formal Apology:

I'd like to apologize to the people of Geneva, NY. I now understand it's pronounced "Geneva" and not "Pull on my cock you dirty whore".

Post 7: The Most Grammar Wrong Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

When ever he used the bathroom, he always had someone stand guard outside the door. This was to keep the Wood Nymphs from stealing his stool.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and not going to be judging the Wet T-Shirt Contest at Schuba's.

Something You May Have Missed:

Hidden in the corner of your favorite book is a mathematical code where each number is added by 1.

This Day in History:

Members of the Khmer Rouge go in on a cake to celebrate going a whole day without killing any political prisoners.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

You're not special and you never will be.

Why I'm Going to Hell:

I wouldn't get too excited to see your parrot when you get home.

What's Happening in Estonia?:

Nothing

Secrets of the American Dental Association:

Gingivitis is actually Mouth AIDS.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the employees at Heid's in Liverpool, NY. I guess you really can fill baby with too much dynamite.

Post 6: The Most Delicious Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

He is solely responsible for the extinction of the Do-Do. That's what happens when you don't get the fuck off of Edgar's lawn.

DVD Commentaries That Completely Ruin The Movie:

The Pianist: The movie takes on an extremely soiled tone once you've heard of the horrid, depraved and illegal things that occurred when the cast and crew got together to play Monopoly.

Secrets Of The American Dental Association:

The ADA had U2 perform on top of a rooftop for their video for "Where The Streets Have No Name" to cause enough of a distraction that they could go to the Tooth Fairy's home, across town, and smother her in her sleep.

Why I'm Going To Hell:

Turn's out, if you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime and the mom and pop sandwich shop down the road closes and the owner hangs himself. Also, apparently, it isn't ok to violate the shop owner's corpse. That was a double whammy on my part.

Advice to The Class of 2009:

Become cops, because, as soon as you get shot and killed in action, you become a hero. And let's not forget how awesome a movie "Hero" was. In summation, Jet Li rules.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Your music isn't terrible. It's just that they don't understand it and since they don't understand it you should KILL THEM AS SATAN COMMANDS YOU. 

A Job Opportunity:

Task: Steal the Ark of the Covenant

Salary: A live bear.

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize for my behavior at "Bring Your Child To Work Day" at the Red Lobster in DeWitt, NY. Granted, I understand that apologizing won't bring back anyone's father or remove the image of the bodies floating in the lobster tank. I could only think about how I would've felt if my father had been working there and if I had seen him fighting off that many angry baboons. When I think of this though, I think of how proud I'd have felt to see my father standing over the bodies of those baboons, right before he was cut down by a coke-addled man in a Robin costume.