Post 10: The Most Kafka-esque Title Ever

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:

Wrote all of his work in Mandarin Chinese and then translated them into English for the publishers.

Don't Believe Your Parents:

Professional Wrestling is real and you should put your little brother in an STF right now.

A Quick Note for My Neighbors:

Who the fuck plays Jai-Alai these days?

What's Happening in Estonia:

Lots and lots of polygamy.

Corrections:

It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and is not President Obama's nominee for Supreme Court Justice. My apologies of Sonia Sotomayor

In Science News:

The Surgeon General has taken a new stance on cigarettes. "Smoke Up"

Why I'm Going To Hell:

I think anyone who was in the theater with me during "My Sister's Keeper" knows why I'm going to hell. I'd rather not discuss it.

Reasons I've Been Fired:

Whole Foods: Suggested a cost cutting "Half-Foods" policy

Jewel Osco: Suggested same policy but in the hopes of bringing the chain a step up in quality

Seventeenth Church of Christ Scientists: Too Jewish

A Formal Apology:

I would like to apologize to the staff at the IHOP on N. Halstead in Chicago, IL. I just assumed that anytime after 10:30 was "Pants Optional".

Post 9: The Most Jew-Tastic Title Ever

**DISCLAIMER**
The writers of Santa's In The Trunk would like to remind you that YOU ARE NOT A REAL PERSON! Go check your birth certificate. It'll prove that you are, in fact, not a person, but an evil dragon that feeds on the dreams of Russian men.

True Facts About Edgar Allen Poe:
He's actually you...that's right...you; John C. Reily.

Don't Believe Your Parents:
Whenever an old person dies of "natural causes", it means that the Easter Bunny smothered them in their sleep. This is, after all, the natural order.

What's Happening in Estonia?:
Nothing. But there was a coup while you were in the bathroom.

Fallen Childhood Idols:
1985: The white slavery ring, discovered in the Land of Make Believe, found to go up the public television children's programming ladder. All the way to Sesame Street.

Corrections:
It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and was an actor, not a possum.

In Science News:
Saturn deemed too awesome to be "just a planet".

Why I'm Going To Hell:
Turns out, Me+Time Travel=Dead John Lennon

A Formal Apology:
I would like to apologize to the makers of the Tilt-A-Whirl. I understand that the snuff film I made recently has given it a bad name.