Most of his prose was written by his gardener and illegitimate son, Juan Poe.
In Science News:
Your body is 1/8 vulture meat.
Corrections:
It has come to my attention that Yule Brynner is dead and doesn't suffer from priapism.
Don't Believe Your Parents:
Sitting too close to the television doesn't hurt your vision nearly as much as broccoli does.
Pitchfork's Favorite of The Week:
Giant bales of hay.
Why I'm Going To Hell:
There is such a thing as exposing yourself "too many times" while watching (500) Days of Summer.
Secrets of the American Dental Association:
Had more pull in writing the constitution than the Free Masons and rich white land owners combined.
A Formal Apology:
I would like to apologize for my behavior during the announcement of the nominees for the MTV Video Music Awards. Slaughtering a goat every time Britney Spears or Beyonce was announced proved to be a messier activity than I had originally thought. I am also sorry for sacrificing the youngest Jonas, Frankie, after I ran out of goats.
